WHY ME???

This Monday morning, I got a shock to find my car missing from the place I have been parking it for more than 5 years now. Still refusing to believe that it has been stolen, I spoke to my neighbours and tried to find out if it has been towed away by mistake. But no it wasn’t. It had infact been taken – actually burgled would be more appropriate.

 And while the truth sunk in, my mind asked WHY ME? Why my car? I have been always so careful to lock it each day. And I have never done anybody any wrong or sinful. Then why me?

Its when such incidents sweep you off your feet, you sit back and dissect all your good and bad deeds in trying to pacify yourself to emerge out of the situation. It is quite sad that we reflect back on our life only when something unpleasant happens to us.

And we think that our loss is the greatest. As if we are some supreme martyr and most gutted. When I met some neighbor who had lost her close relatives in the frightful uttarakhand tragedy, I felt belittled and ashamed that I was so upset for my car. Her grief was beyond compare. It was a true wake up call.

When I see my sister struggling through her difficult residency years as she moves on to become a doctor, I see and hear the same question in her ever tired voice and in her sleep deprived eyes . Why me? She and me both knew that it is infact a hard- hitting profession. But when I set eyes on how she is being trained, tough is such an understatement. When all her other friends who did not choose to become a doctor are enjoying their life. And they would be equally successful at the end ..right? then why her?

 It’s easy to ask this question you know especially when we can’t handle what falls in our lap. We simply disown our state when it comes to this. We start finding reasons why we did not deserve so. I think most of us crib not about our real problems but inconveniences. Have any one of you read this “I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man with no feet.” Yes! That’s what it sums up to.

 My one question to all of us is “ did we ask the ‘why me’ when we got what made us happy?” when I got my new car a year back, did I ask god why me that I have the audacity to ask so when my car has been taken? When I got through the best college, did I ask why me? When got a job which so many aspired to, did I ask that?

No I didn’t. Because I then believed that I truly truly deserved every bit of that. How mean can that be? Its like all roses and no thorn which is as good as beauty without virtues. If I have the grace to accept my success, my happy state of affairs, I should also have the nerve to accept my taxing situations too. Everything happens for a reason. Some to learn from, some to mature from and some to appreciate later in life.

I have learnt even though it is strenuous today, it will not stay on forever. Life moves on. Like all my happy phases have moved on; So will the bad moments, bad days and bad circumstances. Just keep at it. But we are humans. We forget too soon. And the good lessons sooner. We forget that when one thing ends, something begins again.

DO NOT REGRET

We all have regrets deep down. Don’t we? I wish I had taken up that job. Why did I not speak about it earlier? I wish I had not done this. How I fancy I had known this was a golden opportunity? I yearn I had thought about it more seriously before. There are lots of ‘these’ each day. Radically, admit it or not, there is ONE little thing which haunts us always deep inside – one small pang of guilt. Even though we understand and rationalize but it stays- right there on your head with an unnerving anxiety.

 Do we recognize, it’s because no one made a list of perfect options in life. We took decisions - some turned out great, some okaish and some….well we don’t know. 

Indeed! Its time for you to let them GO. It is not worth it. It isn’t. I am too young to preach anything to my friends. But there are two things I have experienced in my small life span. One, regret only if it makes you do something well again. Regret, if it helps you rise above and think of a superior solution for the future. Regret only if it makes you more observant, more skilled and more content for having realized what went off beam. If it makes you sulky; “Please guilt! Stay away I am too lazy to sympathize with you.” 

Secondly, I have realized that sometimes we regret too soon. I don’t know if all of you who are reading this believe in The Almighty but I do. I have seen things turning out good through the same situation for which I have repented. I have seen that a few such lament decisions turned out in fact the finest and real life changing ones for me. The only thing is it took its own time. And I have a feeling God took that bit of “now good- then bad” decision for me. I have understood that we do get answers if not immediately then a little later. But we do.

Also, remorse brings along under-confidence. We are afraid to make evaluations for our life in future. You know we shouldn’t grieve over what has been done. we should regret over the things we didn’t when we had a chance. When I was in my 5th grade, I got a chance to participate in prelims of ‘Bournvita quiz contest’. I was asked to complete next two lines , “pussy cat pussy cat , where had you been”. I know that poem by heart but I was so unsure at that point of time. I kind of stopped and did not answer.I still regret that. I missed my chance for selection to the final levels. It was not about being on the show. It was about not having tried to answer. 

I would just like to say in the end we only complain about the chances we didn’t take and the decisions we waited too long to make. Come what may. Be proud that you took that decision and nobody else. And that is in fact a matter of pride I say and not SHAME. I regret nothing in my life. When I look back at my past I smile because it made me who I am today.

WHAT I LEARNT FROM YOU?

I  would be concerned

For your life and education

Through your untroubled ways of growing up,

You would teach me pleasure lies in learning not rewards.

I would Get tired

Unable to accomplish all my aims

Through your infinite chase to snatch a toy from your sister

You would teach me never -ending energy.

I would be outraged

At my own imperfection

Through the chuckle that you gave after spilling

You would teach me how to laugh at it.

I would Cry

When anything messed up

Through your warm hug

You would teach me friendship.

I would worry

About being able to take care of you

Through your giggle when you fell from stairs

You taught me to be carefree.

I would be anxious

To be successful

Through your smile on finding a small bead

You would teach me genuine victory.

I would sulk

When things went wrong

Through your incessant effort to get the puzzle right

You would teach me never to give up.

I would be hurt

Because I had a sense of self

Through your simplicity to let off your fights

You would teach me forgiveness.

I would be finicky

About being up systematised

Through your grin in the worst of chaos

You would teach me how to enjoy.

I would be meticulous

How to speak soberly and sensibly,

Through your screaming everytime you won a game

You would teach me how to have fun.

I would emphasise

How you should be strong

Through your warm delightful ways

You would teach me how to melt my heart.

I would preach

How to be thoughtful for your loved ones

Through your unparalleled affection for me

You would teach me how to love.

MUMMA, WHY DID YOU SCOLD ME?

This is my daughter’s favourite question these days and to tell you candidly, it’s kind of embarrassing when she asks this one in front of anybody and everybody. Then I contemplate two things. One, “Why did I not explain it to her instead of scolding?” Second, “How come such a little girl has the grace to simply inquire me and not react on me for shouting at her?”

It touches me to see that. I determine not to repeat this ever again. However, trust me within not more than two hours I find myself stuck in the same situation and here I am yelling at my little one at one of her mischiefs yet again. 

There are times she would insist that I would play with water a little too long; there are times I know if I don’t stop her she would hurt herself, but she wouldn’t listen; and there are times she picks up wrong habits which she assumes are good and does not care if told otherwise. I don’t know what to do and when my sweet negotiations don’t work, I get angry.

God! I feel unpleasant.  I don’t feel alright to see my impatience with such a small child. How come I forget the fact that I despised it so much when my mom would tell me off as a child? What happened to my resolve of becoming a ‘never- scolding’ mom?  

Honestly I have no answer. All I know is that it happens quite often. Children at this age are learning so much and are being exposed to so much that we need to be by their side if not on their head. And being by their side cannot be conditional. It is human to get a bit agitated when they get naughty.

There is no real explanation that I could come up with to my daughter’s logical question. What I perceive is that I too shall learn with time. As my child gets bigger with my experience, I shall also mature as a mother with her experience. A marked example that I can share is that the first time my child soddened  my clothes, I quickly rushed to take a bath. The second time, I just changed and the third time I didn’t care. It’s a similar learning experience.

Yes Ofcourse!  We must try to be more and more easy going and endeavour  to minimize  the botheration. That’s going to make life simple. But I totally disagree with the modern day philosophy. People mention  how children are getting smarter these days and they repel if you scold. You should let your child be. I am not saying guide them to the last level but while they are so tiny, we can take the liberty, not to steer them but to explain them.

I can just say what my dad said. He always believed that it is his duty to at least bring awareness to me. Then it was my call whether to pick that one up or something of my own. I think there was nothing wrong in that. And he has been quite a good dad, in fact an inevitable one.

But what I want to add is that hope my most treasured part of my life, my daughter always understands me just like right now.  She is always most welcome to talk it out to me and I wish that as a grown up, she is never angry with me. I totally love her and in trying to help her I don’t want to lose her affection not even by an inch. So as I close this note, I make a promise that each day it will get better and I shall work even harder to become your bestest mom.

 WISH THIS COULD FOREVER STAY

Our precious little daughters, with sweetness from above

Filled our years with laughter, and lives with lots of love.

Six months old, full of fun; A blink of an eye, you suddenly were one,

In a flash,  Seems like time just flies away, 

How much I wish this moment could forever stay.

                   

A little bit of sunshine, As you laughed with your eyes every day

Your face would cheer us up, First a smile, then a gurgle to lighten our days

You make us so thrilled with your warm delightful ways

So I captured it all in a camera, and put it in a frame to display

How much I wish this moment could forever stay.

You were so much at ease,  climbing down the stairs

The toys that you ran for, Is what you really cared

You thoroughly enjoyed, Messing with the clay

I kept a few toys, jotted moments each day

How much I wish this moment could forever stay.

As I took you to icecream, I taught you to hold it the right way

 ‘Don’t let it spill’  I would say,

But you loved to lick it in the filthiest way,

So clicked one more picture in my compilation to save

How much I wish this moment could forever stay.

How you would hit each other, Push away

I would scold, Expecting that you would obey

I would run on every fight, But all in dismay

It’s between sisters you would portray

I only smiled and decided not to disturb your child’s play

How much I wish this moment could forever stay.

You were growing, Seemed taller every tenth day

Alongside the ever growing sweetness, kept me amazed

Encapsulated your little hand and feet with potter’s clay

 And Kept them like they would never cease away

How much I wish this moment could forever stay.

Your sweet little coo hoo, Was maturing into words’ Yeah’!

A phrase, a sentence, a conversation, a story and then an essay

When I asked you any question, you would answer right away

I recorded your voice, to seize the innocence your voice conveyed

How much I wish this moment could forever stay.

I tried to teach you school lessons and books in array

Amused me to see how you would run away

Your cute little logics, I would have to give way

So wrote your dialogues, Which when I listen I get swayed

How much I wish this moment could forever stay.

Tried to grab hold of your smell, my only regret if I may

I wish I could put it in a bottle, Forever to stay

 When you mature, you shall move on and time shall fade away

I will always have these reminiscences as my cells turn grey

As they are my biggest treasures like a memories’ bouquet

How much I wish this moment could forever stay.

LOVE & NOT PRESSURE GROOMS A CHILD

I had once attended an interesting lecture wherein they asked us to introduce ourselves with an appropriate adjective before our name. Lets say for example Sweet Suhaani. What brought this to my mind after such a long time? A striking phrase ‘Pressurizing Parents’ which flashes through my mind very frequently.

‘Parents and pressure go hand in hand. Have you ever noticed how much we as parents take load upon ourselves and in turn upon our child to be able to give our best for their supposedly finest lives. No! We don’t see it, not at least when we actually do so. We noticed it only when we were children. All of us have gone through it when we were kids but still we find it convenient to forget.

We start this by asking our toddler to sing a poem in front of not one but every single guest that comes to our home. Then follows the most irrelevant explanation of this mean act: It is referred to as an effort to make our child forthcoming and social. 

Why ? did you and I,  who are all settled so amicably in the society with atleast 100 friends on facebook, did we do that willingly when our parents asked us to? No we all hated it. And secondly, why force this upon her when she is so young.

I too was a very shy person and look at me today, I love to be with people. Each one of us have an inherent quality. We may or may not do well academically; may or may not be people-friendly or be good at so many other activities. But that does not give us a reason to pressurize our child consciously or unintentionally.

There is a very famous saying’ A child comes through you and not from you.’ We must accept that there is a plan for every one on this earth and we must only be guiding agents to what they are and not catalyzing agents trying to force out the best in them.

Amidst all other things like topping in school, Peer pressure, Comparison with siblings, Milestone achievement needs a special mention. The unique thing about it is that this one starts at the age of three months only. Remarkably, this is a new kind of pressure mania we have started at such an age wherein a child does not even know or understand any word except mum.

Does that call for an applaud or does that call for some comprehension and insight?

I have seen parents getting worried about seeing their children spend their early years in doing nothing. What!  Is it nothing to be happy?  Nothing to skip, play, and run around all day long?  Remember, never in his life will he be so busy again and never so relaxed.

I know it’s easier said than done. I am myself a parent and its only with time I have realized: To explain or suggest is one thing and to pressurize is another. The best way to put across your kid is to set yourself such targets that she observes and learns from you. It will certainly not help to push her to eternity so that she starts shirking away from you and from his ultimate aim in life.

I think Joyce Maynard, American author, has put it very aptly ‘It’s not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can’t tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself.’

THE ART OF PERFECTION

Perfection is an addiction. Mind it, not just for the one who is a perfectionist  but also for the ones who are at the receiving end. Isn’t it hard to find seamless people and isn’t it nice to see them around you?  Yes it is because they deliver more than what you do; more than what you expect.

But a sweet little warning to all those perfectionists out there. Sometimes your impatience, your calm is bound to go tipsy, at least for a while if not always; you are human; then even your little mistakes are will be made to sound as blunders. 

Sometimes I pity with these people. All their lives they work hard every inch to get to that last level of excellence and when they fall even 1 % short, their conscience together with expectations of others  makes them miserable. There is a sequence of habits which go into building this chain of events. Such people start with enjoying precision and go on to become obsessed with it;  not knowing where to take a breather.

And I am not talking about the celebrities. I am not talking about icons like ‘The Perfectionist Aamir Khan’. I am talking about people around us. Sometimes it could be your mom, your boss, your husband, your child. So my one question to these flawless people: Are you relaxed? 

Don’t get me wrong here. It’s not that I am trying to say that one should not strive to be better. One certainly should but not at the cost of happiness. It does not pay to stretch yourself so much when it deprives you of the pleasure of doing it. It is important to draw a line. I have myself gone through something like this. 

In trying to be most efficient,

I enjoyed my work……

put in my hard work…….

worked too hard………

I slogged ………

I slogged harder……

I lost the charm of doing my work. 

So the graph went from fun to No fun.
"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." ; Anna Quindlen, American bestselling author and Journalist. 

 

Isn’t it perfectly worded. It may not pay you to be ideal, but it shall certainly pay to be yourself.

I am not sure how many of us are aware of the Pareto principle, more commonly known as the eighty-twenty principle or the law of the vital few. Business-management consultant Joseph M. Juran suggested the principle and named it after Italian economist Vilfredo Pareto, who observed in 1906 that 80% of the land in Italy was owned by 20% of the population. Any layman would understand that it is a common rule of thumb in business that 80% of your sales come from 20% of your clients.

Though these big organizations have enough number of workshops to induce this principle amongst their employees but there is hardly anything which brings to light this fundamental to the common people like us.

The way to go about this principle is optimization. First try to focus on the most important twenty percent effort that brings you the maximum results. That will take you off the stress, the constant worry and then you can choose to enjoy and do the rest.

 

So, while Pareto used this principle to observe wealth, business houses use it achieve sales targets, we should make an effort to use it in almost every area of work. 

My last word to all those who took out time to read this;

“ it is perfectly perfect to be imperfect a few times”. Think about it.