All I want is to be me…….

 

 

A feather Ocean full of eyes

Magical blue when these rise

Ogling at me with so much pride

Cheering high with sheer delight

 

In awe of my rainbow sheen

Crown like a Queen not often seen

Iridescent colours flair and dance

Golden plumes with a poised glance.

 

A national bird with a star

Preening myself in the barnyard

My liquid eyes whirling to life

How I wish they knew, as I sighed.

 

Helpless! I do surrender to that spell

Just like the bunch around …tells

Whispering slowly, I ask them to pause

Do not adore me just because.

 

These bare words & mindless  thoughts

Just do not help me connect any dots

Don’t just tack on handsome to me

Being flawless can get tricky to be

 

Can I just feel unadorned for once?

Simple and happy like my loved ones

A bird with beauty of its own within

Never mind the titles that I win

 

Sometimes I just like to be

Feel the sky and smell the sea

May be Glorious , symbolic of integrity

But all I want is JUST TO BE ME!!!!!

THE PERSPECTIVE

 

When the lockdown was announced in March 2020, just like pretty much everyone around, I also got myself to think as to what kind of situation are we heading for? And how will we manage to stay for so long in the house. Not wanting to go is one thing and not being able to go is another. This sounded unfair and at first like typical human behaviour, I put this all out on China.

Moving beyond who is responsible and who is not, I do wonder whether we will ever get out of this? Will this last beyond 2020? Will we live in this phobia for a few years? It sounds insane and unfair. Never has anyone seen this ever before and I don’t want to – not for so long.

Then I recalled my conversation with my Great Grandfather, who proudly mentioned how he was a part of freedom fight for India. He was only 19 years back then. He was born when the World War I ended with 22 million people dead that year. 21 years when Second World War began. 29 years at the time of Independence and by 1962 Indo China war in, he was thrilled to have a grandson. He talked about blackouts on windows at the time of Indo Pakistan 1965 war and shared narrative of how soldiers gave away their lives at the border and how fear mounted upon them each moment of bombarding from the top. In fact, smallpox which does not raise any alarms today also actually broke out like a pandemic sometime in history. Isn’t that too much for his prime youth to feel victimised? Phew!!!!

Not to say that we should just get used to these worse ways of life – living with so much distress around; being at war with other countries and coping up with new viruses. However, what I wish to share is a Perspective! A perspective which my great grandfather had when he narrated those incidents in his life. He was proud to share how he glided through such times and how tall he stands today. He had no disappointments, just lessons, experiences and optimism. He had no impatience, no rush and no expectations to change the unpleasant too soon. He had acceptance. He had the perspective that each day we are moving towards a better tomorrow. And that’s what matters.

Instead of verbalizing 2020 as the worst year in history, can we remember that our forefathers have seen even worse? Drawing the same Perspective, I was so heartened to read this children’s book by Tomos Roberts and ever since I have decided to call it the year of GREAT REALISATION.

 Let’s not forget, undeniably we all discovered a better way to life as we all slowed down and       re-focussed on “Quality” part of our existence.  It’s the time to stop whining like a spoilt brat and start doing whatever needs to be done and get through this as stronger. Tired of wearing a mask?  Don’t be fatuous and thankless.  It’s a massive test. You better come out with flying colours.

THE SHADES OF LIFE

 

Off late, I just felt like exploring my long kept DSLR camera. All thanks to Anurag Sir. When I looked at his mesmerizing pictures, I always thought that photography is about capturing the right fleeting moments and he surely was good at that. I reasoned I could try my hands on it too. Obviously, I do get it, it’s not as easy as he makes it sound. But undeniably interesting.

Obviously during this pandemic, I cannot really travel anywhere. So here I was, sitting on my terrace exploring the clear blue sky. It surely looked grand and felt serene sitting under an umbrella of the unruffled stillness.

Technically, when I was a kid, I had figured out why sky was blue?  When sunlight falls on the atoms that make up the air, some of the light bounces off and Shorter-wavelength colours, such as blue, are scattered more effectively — making this firmament look blue — while the remaining sunlight that falls to our eyes is slightly yellowed by the loss of some of its blue. Simple.

But with the sun setting down, this simplicity was seemed much more complex to me- the brilliance of colours was splendid - something so very captivating. The pink crimson rays alluded more than its literal meaning. The orange haze splashed a warm sensation onto me, and the calmness flew by with the wind making me heart stop for a second. Oh wait! Was I seeing this all from my own terrace?

The chirping birds flying like free souls through the canvas of dusk amidst the infinite azure space. These heavens-bound birdies looked so happy together relishing the play of colours from zenith to the horizon flaunting their confidence and happiness like they knew it all.

And here we are so reluctant to let ourselves be- so fearful of change- so fretful for handling any pressures. Isn’t life also the same? Don’t we get brawnier and stronger with every darkness that we sail through. Don’t we gain all the optimism to fly higher with each passing day? Don’t we just become a better version of ourselves with changing shades of life? Just a few minutes on the terrace brought in so much introspection. Bliss it was.

Straight up, even after so much reflection, I don’t know if I am yet ready to try on the newer shades. All I know is that after today, I plan to go more often to my terrace looking in peace and whenever  I sit down to tint in with my brushes next, my sky might just be pink and not blue for a change.

Reminds me of my daughter’s status that read a few days back “Great things never came from comfort zones.” Right my sweetheart I promise to take you very seriously.

I AM OLD SCHOOL

I have good manners

Not because I want to be liked

It’s because they are absolutely essential

I show respect to my elders

Not because its requested

It’s because its required

I accept my fault first

Not because I want to be nice

It’s because its no one else’s

I like to do my chores

Not because they are rewarded

It’s because I am expected

I do not answer back to my elders

Not because I am afraid

It’s because I hate to raise fingers at my seniors

I like to worship each day

Not because ritual is the question

It’s because prayers are the answers

I do not like to quit

Not because I am strong

It’s because quitting is never an option

I trust people whom I love

Not because I am silly

It’s because I have strong morals

I believe in repairing & not throwing  people or things

Not because I have a lot of time

It’s because its worth it

I still like flowers and not thumbs up

Not because I am not an influencer

It’s because they are more real

I still believe in handwritten letters

Not because I don’t like changing with time

It’s because opening an envelope is more romantic

I love real dates to Tinder

Not because I am afraid of the unknown

It’s because texting is not courting

I like to go to picnics

Not because I am not a e-athlete

It’s because fresh air & sunshine are hard to beat

I like hills, trees and small towns

Not because I cant cope with the fast life

It’s Because they are more peaceful than stone buildings

I prefer flipping an album

Not because I can’t keep a backup

It’s Because the memories seem closer in my hands

I like golden era music

Not because I am not into the new stuff

It’s Because it used to mean more

I like calling to wish birthdays

It’s because a real conversation is more profound

 Than reading a text

Yes, please and sorry are still a part of my vocabulary

Not because its good manners

It’s because doing the right thing makes you feel good

I prefer long drives to Netflix

Not because I need to get away from home

It’s because open roads make you think a lot more

I don’t swear by things

Not because it’s a bad thing

It’s because I am straightforward

I like Eye contacts while talking

Not because I am insecure

It’s because I like to pay attention

I like remembering phone numbers

Not because I don’t trust Google

It’s because there is a certain joy in dialling them

I like to write with my pencil

Not because typing is consuming

It’s because I like erasing my flawed notes

I respect the stay at home women

Not because I am more educated

It’s because one of them raised me

Some outfits never make it out of doors

Not because its scandalous

It’s Because I like to be me

I love wearing sarees

Not because I have to follow my traditions

It’s because ethnic and elegance is my favourite

I like being Old school

Not because I am old fashioned

Its because I was raised properly

BLISS IN WILDERNESS

PC: Suhaani Saraogi

Candidly, neither do I come across as a person who would love to go on a trek nor do I think I have any endurance to even try it. However, this changed until my last holiday. I realised how much I relish falling in love with the nature – it’s flowing, beautiful changing colours. How much joy it brings to me when I see the magical sky as the blazing sun retires. And how the curtain of stars is scattered across the sky and their multitude humbles me. And how the scintillating sound of water through open wide panoramic window can pour in blissful peace into me. I don’t deny I just don’t get too much of it these days in the unrelenting running around. But I totally miss it!

When I reached Queenstown, the most cool place in NZ, if I may be allowed to be a little snobbish, I just felt so low. I just knew I had to do something else besides just the adventures and night life that this place is known for. I had to explore something which brought some kind of different charm and harmony.

So spontaneously, we packed for a day trip to Glenorchy and decided to go for a trek. Sculpted with mountaneous landscape, we picked a lovely easy loop walk through the massive Beech trees. And I have nothing to boast about when I say that just a beginner’s trek drained me out and I was walking like I am an 80 year old feeling a little stunned to see the relaxed smile on others walking along. Phew !!

Never mind, I cant deny, fatigue and embarrassment were the last things that I carried back with me. That two hour trek brought me to life again. Reminding me to re-live and look around with rose coloured glasses. One thing I think I was always so good at and yet had forgotten.

Finally, pretty soon, we planned a visit to Manali. Even though we kind of like to say we went on a trek to Hampta pass, actually it was just the first leg of the path that we rambled. Had I really managed to reach Hampta pass, I would have abolutely felt no less than Sir Edmund Hillary.

Well, we planned this with my cousins and my daughters. Much to the dismay of our over enthusiasm, we read that this was something more casual than we were wanting to boast about. Serene calmness and pristine surrounding with gradual slopes seemed easy. Nevertheless, I was incredibly excited. But I didn’t realize what I was getting myself into.

For a girl who can easily thump into her own bed which has been invariably around for so many years, it was certainly a cracked thing to plan a 4km hike up the hill. Stairs would have made things easier, but there weren’t any, so trail was the only option. The journey was full of surprises and amazing scenes.

After about a km, when I looked around, it seemed like I am the only one who was struggling more than anyone else. I found myself stopping and panting for breath. Thanks to my daughter Suhaani who held my hand leading me all the way through the zig zag routes; I just managed to skid down just once.

Light rains had begun as we were trekking back followed by snow fall beautifying everything it covered. As if the divine was embracing me- a feeling that will not leave me forever. All I know is that that day, even when we were so many of us together, but a part of me was celebrating the solitude that I derived - running by me yet again that there existed goodness in life, strength in standing tall, peace in taking a breather from the virtual world.

I know I cant go back every weekend, but I take out a little time now to just sit down on the terrace and be alive. Or just log off the computer and get into my shoes and step out to Nehru Park; Hoping that once in a while right in the middle of an ordinary life, taking a walk in the trees and breathing the wild air might just bring extra ordinary bliss.

JUDGE ME NOT!!!!!

I feel that one thing I have always despised is judging anyone. But over time I also realised that even though I thought I was not probably judging most but shelfing a few who were not my types. I was only pronouncing that our temperaments and inclinations were a little different; I hate to admit that it was in fact my JUDGEMENT.

I don’t like apple products, cars like Audi for the simple reason that I have never appreciated flamboyant spending without any functionality. So, there I was, conveniently remarking that each person holding that apple icon and driving a grandiose car was pretentious.

I would also take pride in explaining that to my kids as to why I made that choice. In trying to instill real values, did I teach them to judge others wrong and judge me right?  Now that is a guilty question which I am afraid to or I should say I don’t even want to address.

To make my children responsible individuals, I preach them moral values like honesty, loyalty, respect, self- reliance, discipline, patience, gratitude, forgiveness and courtesy. But while I do so, I take the liberty to correct them and also sometimes end up judging them. There is a very fine line between a comment and a statement. And I don’t even know when that line stands crossed. Am I supposed to parent them ( which by the way entails judging the kids all the time) or am I supposed to let them be? I have no clue.

Interestingly, I did not consider analysing is the same thing as judging; not until recently when I realised in the game of, I judge this-I don’t judge this, I had started pigeonholing myself too. I had started putting myself in such high standards of touchstone - to not be allowed to be wrong, not be allowed to make mistakes, to be not allowed to fall weak. And there I was - trapped in my own judgement. How could I be wrong when I am so meticulous in making choices with reason? How could I be forgetful when I am planning every little detail? How can I be so okay with such average results? And lots more!!!!  Phew! I was sooooooooooo tired.

I needed a breather. I needed to understand that there is no right or wrong honestly. And this simple lesson came from my own daughter. Even though whenever she tries to challenge what I stand for, its never kind of  easy but Last week it was a little different. The other day, when I stopped her from wearing a yellow dress which to my understanding was just not suiting her, she pointed out that she wants to wear it because she is just loving the feel of it. I will not deny that I wanted to exercise my supremacy over her choice but I held myself back and decided not to let her feel judged- not by me at least.

Honestly, there is no judgement needed; no barometer required. Neither for those who spend extravagantly over a phone nor over me who was being so self-righteous taking pride in not using the same. Its just a matter of personal choice. Having an opinion is important but only to the extent that you want to make choices for yourself not to button down others into a statement.

Its okay if one gets happiness by wearing whatever they like, by leading their lives in whatever manner, by setting their own benchmarks. Often people who are meticulously giving so much of thought to each and every little breath they take, end up judging themselves the most and drain themselves.

We should try to live each day so fully, so alive that we are so pleased and content with every minute that went. We are hard on each other because we are using each other as a launching pad out of our own perceived deificiency. So, lesson well learnt -

"Never waste time explaining yourself to others who are bound to misunderstand you and stop typecasting the ones who are not like you."

 Wow it feels good to have said that and even better to feel inspired to practice that.

All one should judge is how happy they are and how happy they can get!!!

GLENORCHY HIGH

Glenorchy high

  It had only been hour before
She wished something more majestic to explore.
Not knowing what awaits her day
She was bracing to fly away.
Amidst the mountains so high and tall
But no fears, no apprehensions, no jitters at all.
Romancing with nature it seemed
Holding fast to her dreams.
Love for this vastness so intrigue
Feeling alive, calm and complete.
A mind at peace with all below
She put her foot on the snow.
Facing atop its sunlit summit
Feeling something in her spirit.
Strength of its zenith and air so thin
She will always carry within.
Comfort in the quiet lingers on
Fragrance of its beauty settles on.
She wore the strongest posture now
Knowing she can walk in the clouds.
Halfway to the very sky
Never had she been this high!!!!