LOVE & NOT PRESSURE GROOMS A CHILD

I had once attended an interesting lecture wherein they asked us to introduce ourselves with an appropriate adjective before our name. Lets say for example Sweet Suhaani. What brought this to my mind after such a long time? A striking phrase ‘Pressurizing Parents’ which flashes through my mind very frequently.

‘Parents and pressure go hand in hand. Have you ever noticed how much we as parents take load upon ourselves and in turn upon our child to be able to give our best for their supposedly finest lives. No! We don’t see it, not at least when we actually do so. We noticed it only when we were children. All of us have gone through it when we were kids but still we find it convenient to forget.

We start this by asking our toddler to sing a poem in front of not one but every single guest that comes to our home. Then follows the most irrelevant explanation of this mean act: It is referred to as an effort to make our child forthcoming and social. 

Why ? did you and I,  who are all settled so amicably in the society with atleast 100 friends on facebook, did we do that willingly when our parents asked us to? No we all hated it. And secondly, why force this upon her when she is so young.

I too was a very shy person and look at me today, I love to be with people. Each one of us have an inherent quality. We may or may not do well academically; may or may not be people-friendly or be good at so many other activities. But that does not give us a reason to pressurize our child consciously or unintentionally.

There is a very famous saying’ A child comes through you and not from you.’ We must accept that there is a plan for every one on this earth and we must only be guiding agents to what they are and not catalyzing agents trying to force out the best in them.

Amidst all other things like topping in school, Peer pressure, Comparison with siblings, Milestone achievement needs a special mention. The unique thing about it is that this one starts at the age of three months only. Remarkably, this is a new kind of pressure mania we have started at such an age wherein a child does not even know or understand any word except mum.

Does that call for an applaud or does that call for some comprehension and insight?

I have seen parents getting worried about seeing their children spend their early years in doing nothing. What!  Is it nothing to be happy?  Nothing to skip, play, and run around all day long?  Remember, never in his life will he be so busy again and never so relaxed.

I know it’s easier said than done. I am myself a parent and its only with time I have realized: To explain or suggest is one thing and to pressurize is another. The best way to put across your kid is to set yourself such targets that she observes and learns from you. It will certainly not help to push her to eternity so that she starts shirking away from you and from his ultimate aim in life.

I think Joyce Maynard, American author, has put it very aptly ‘It’s not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can’t tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself.’

THE ART OF PERFECTION

Perfection is an addiction. Mind it, not just for the one who is a perfectionist  but also for the ones who are at the receiving end. Isn’t it hard to find seamless people and isn’t it nice to see them around you?  Yes it is because they deliver more than what you do; more than what you expect.

But a sweet little warning to all those perfectionists out there. Sometimes your impatience, your calm is bound to go tipsy, at least for a while if not always; you are human; then even your little mistakes are will be made to sound as blunders. 

Sometimes I pity with these people. All their lives they work hard every inch to get to that last level of excellence and when they fall even 1 % short, their conscience together with expectations of others  makes them miserable. There is a sequence of habits which go into building this chain of events. Such people start with enjoying precision and go on to become obsessed with it;  not knowing where to take a breather.

And I am not talking about the celebrities. I am not talking about icons like ‘The Perfectionist Aamir Khan’. I am talking about people around us. Sometimes it could be your mom, your boss, your husband, your child. So my one question to these flawless people: Are you relaxed? 

Don’t get me wrong here. It’s not that I am trying to say that one should not strive to be better. One certainly should but not at the cost of happiness. It does not pay to stretch yourself so much when it deprives you of the pleasure of doing it. It is important to draw a line. I have myself gone through something like this. 

In trying to be most efficient,

I enjoyed my work……

put in my hard work…….

worked too hard………

I slogged ………

I slogged harder……

I lost the charm of doing my work. 

So the graph went from fun to No fun.
"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." ; Anna Quindlen, American bestselling author and Journalist. 

 

Isn’t it perfectly worded. It may not pay you to be ideal, but it shall certainly pay to be yourself.

I am not sure how many of us are aware of the Pareto principle, more commonly known as the eighty-twenty principle or the law of the vital few. Business-management consultant Joseph M. Juran suggested the principle and named it after Italian economist Vilfredo Pareto, who observed in 1906 that 80% of the land in Italy was owned by 20% of the population. Any layman would understand that it is a common rule of thumb in business that 80% of your sales come from 20% of your clients.

Though these big organizations have enough number of workshops to induce this principle amongst their employees but there is hardly anything which brings to light this fundamental to the common people like us.

The way to go about this principle is optimization. First try to focus on the most important twenty percent effort that brings you the maximum results. That will take you off the stress, the constant worry and then you can choose to enjoy and do the rest.

 

So, while Pareto used this principle to observe wealth, business houses use it achieve sales targets, we should make an effort to use it in almost every area of work. 

My last word to all those who took out time to read this;

“ it is perfectly perfect to be imperfect a few times”. Think about it.

PRE-SCHOOL MOM
 
I recall time and again my father mentioning a citation more often than necessary: Education is not preparation for life; education is life itself. I would wonder then, what is really so remarkable about the quote. But now that I am all set to send my little children to the Big School, I know what it signifies  or rather I understand what it meant to him. It meant his life’s dream to not only see me educated but also in the most apt way. 

When the BIG DAY arrived for my child who has always walked this world holding my finger with her little hands, I must say I was more nervous than her.  To realise that my entry would stop at the entrance gate of the school was heart-breaking. How could I trust anybody else for good four hours to take care of my adorable sweetheart? I was amazed though, to see her confidence and excitement as she stepped into the school, her world of first learning- learning of knowledge, of people, of discipline, of life. 

There are two incidents which left a marked remembrance on my mind. When Pallavi tumbled down as one of the kids happened to push her in school, I ran to pick her up; “What a careless guy! I am sure it hurt you badly.” But no! it touched me to hear my brave little girl say  “Mumma, don’t’ bother. look I am absolutely fine.”

I had also freaked out similarly when Ananya’s bus turned up almost an hour late from school. And at once  , a worried me decided  ‘I shall drop and pick her personnally’ . However, I changed my mind when I saw how thrilled she was to make friends on her way home and how much she was looking forward to see them the next day. I would have deprived her of that pleasure by being over protective.

Yes that is the word: OVER PROTECTIVE. My entire experience can be summed up in this one word.  It was as if my teeny weeny was all ready to mature into a responsible pre-schooler but I was not. In point of fact , I was forgetting  how much I would argue with my own parents to let go because I thought I was grown up.  To hear a similar thing from your daughter was quite overwhelming.

I am aware that this is just a beginning and I am yet to learn the steps to being a good parent but I want my daughters to know that though it may be a slightly hard for me to let go but I still trust how they shall cope up and deal with challenges - be it in school, work or life. 

And even though I am always tied up with one work or the other when they are at home but when they disappear like this together for a four hour span, I genuinely miss them and wait for them to be back; Back to give me the world’s most warm hug.                         

I WISH TO BE A CHILD AGAIN

 

Mature and responsible

Experienced and composed

At this juncture of my life

I recall and think to force

In the hush-hush of my busy years

I shed the mischief of childhood

They say I grew up

And I say I ceased being beautiful

People tell me

Childhood and age has no connection

Wish I could have faith in them

When I know that it’s a sheer delusion.

I realize I can’t repossess

Those cozy peaceful years

Where happiness was natural

With epoch it disappeared.

Beauty of trees and sky so blue

 Soiling with mud all about

Pleasure in spilling the food

Melody in the birds humming around

With bicycles chasing butterflies

 Climbing and tumbling down

Picking flowers and hating nap time,
Playing with blocks and no time bounds

Success comes from snatching a toy from your kin

And life goes tipsy if you don’t win

Award means a little hug from Mom

Punishment means despised food from home

Where it’s perfectly legal to cry

And you always have your parents to stand by

But to thank for those beautiful years we shy

We don’t realize how time will fly

And the carefree life

Is hard to get back

Hope, Joy , truth

When you live only on principles like that

Where achievements have no limits

And failures you never have

Where Joy is laying head on Mom’s bosom

And riding on your dad’s back

Alas! You grow up to guileless youth

The world brings its dark code to you !

Growing up,  aaaah

is a terribly hard thing to do.

As I see my children

One thing I take time to do

Is find solace in their innocence

To experience the same childhood simplicity anew

A star, a flower, a gush of rain,

Often makes me seem a child again

In the hush-hush of my busy years

I shed the mischief of childhood

They say I grew up

And I say I ceased being beautiful

DIFFICULT TO BE SIMPLE

My School teacher happened to teach me a very important lesson of my life. She said that its simple to be important but its more important to be simple. A very unadorned line but left a key impression on my mind.

Unfortunately these days children do not learn such ethics at school. Besides the school lessons, they pick up meaningless standards too. Are teachers to be blamed? No, Not really. It’s WE, the parents who are to be reproached.

Just yesterday, I had taken my little sweetie to her first school. Both of us were very keen, more so me because it was a mother- toddler program which I really looked forward to wondering what my baby would learn or how would she respond , this being her first time socializing.

But when I entered, forget about my daughter being flabbergasted in the whole new environment, I was myself a little lost. It seemed less of a classroom but more of a fashion pageant of mother and child. They were all astonishingly dressed, worth appreciating. They spoke in a very sophisticated manner which I would love to imitate. But the only uncertainity that ran across my mind was; is this why am I getting my child to the school? Will it be a learning experience for her or something else?

The only consolation was that we were not a part of it. Suhaani and me were way too simple for the bunch. I loved the way she held my hand not wanting to leave it forever as she felt perturbed reaching out to the whole lot of people. I think what she wore or how she spoke was the last thing on our minds. That’s what I call simplicity.

We take offense, judge right or wrong, believe in being up market but ask a child who can be as simple. Simplicity is hard to find these days. All of us were children too at some point of time, just as uncomplicated but time and the big bad world forced us to transform .And very obviously few of us passed on that change to our kids, sometimes too early.

There is no harm being in vogue or adjusting to the new society trends or maturing to acquire the wisdom of right-wrong or good-bad. But its important that we do this with a trouble free and unpretentious attitude like a child does. It’s the beauty of being polite, down to earth and compassionate that makes us a good human being and not sophistication alone- a principle we must remind ourselves and preach our children.

I wish I can be like my daughter Pallavi, who right after being scolded for her wrongs, goes around imitating me dramatizing the same dialogues with her sister. I wish I could be as simple not to mind when someone yells at me. The day she gets irritated, I guess I’ll understand she has matured; She is heading on to become a grown up like me.

SUCCESS

Success is often confused to be the most profoundly intense emotion in anybody’s life. When I won my first trophy, even I felt that. But then I grew up.

I am too amateur and young to enlighten anyone about this overwhelming word ‘Success’.  There have been innumerable quotes by world’s most celebrated philosophers and legends to illustrate the same.

Even though my achievements are not as captivating as Aziz Premji or as glorious as L.N.Mittal, there are a few things I have realized about success.

Success has no address, no calling cards.

Success is not a destination.

Success is not a particular moment.

Success does not make you happy.

Success is not the end of world.

My mother drew a distinction between achievement and success. She said that achievement is the knowledge that you have acquired and worked hard and done the best that is in you. Success is only an acknowledgement of it by others. I think this little piece of advice has always kept me going as I cope up with tough pressures in life.

I thank my mum for making me understand this a little too soon. Guess she sensed how the times are and how everyone is frantically a part of the ‘Winning Pursuit’. Will I crack this exam? Will I get this job? Will I get a promotion, a bonus and a pay hike? Will my children do well? Will they succeed? Will I be able to fulfill my expectations? Gosh! Its intimidating!!!!!!!

Success is nice but not as important or satisfying. One should try to take pleasure in what one does. Put behind how it will turn out tomorrow or how superior is it from others. Be realistic enough to know that it is your achievement, your endeavour, your energy that brings you happiness not success. 

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

Besides, the significance of success would diminish the day we start to understand that a lot of people who are not known to be successful also do have a life, and in fact a splendid one which they truly know how to cherish.  Because they are great achievers; they have achieved the skill to work; they have attained the knowledge to learn; they have accomplished the art to be happy; they have learnt the ability to feel fulfilled . Does Success bring you all that? I have my doubts.

s

AS HAPPY AS A CHILD

If somebody asks me how would you define ‘Happiness’ I would like to pass on this question to my  three year old daughter who can answer this far better than me. I have noticed that while we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about. They can teach us to be happy.

How? I would like to share this occurence. Once my ‘always very keen’ daughter was insisting to have water from a big pitcher to which I strictly refused assuming she’ll spill the whole thing on herself. But I had to give in when she sweetly asked ‘ Mumma, please let me try.’ And to my utter surprise she didn’t tip out a single drop of water. Isn’t that remarkable?

But what was even more remarkable was the beauty of her happiness which she derived from that little task. One should have seen her elation, her sense of triumph over having done it excellently. If I may be allowed to exaggerate her exhilaration could be compared to Neil Armstrong on being the first man to land on moon.

Her demeanor compelled me to ponder over my life. I begin my day running around, getting things in order, taking care of the kids, finishing my emails, and heaps of other matters only managing to complete six out of ten as per my target. And finally concluding my day, all bushed out, looking at the four things that I could not complete. That is my daily schedule. 

That is true for all ‘we’ grown-ups. We are so busy, all our days are so eventful and our minds are so industriously engaged that we forget to be HAPPY.  And to complement our already tedious monotonous life, we unlike children, wait for THE moment in life to make us feel happy which, unfortunately, will never arrive. I say this because the moment is right here; Right in your mind.

Never have I, in recent past, seen myself enjoying a small thing. When was that last time did I take time to enjoy a small scoop of icecream? When was the last time you took time to play a prank on your friend and laugh your lungs out or when did I enjoy simply doing nothing? Frank Clark, an American screenwriter said; ‘Everyone is trying to accomplish something big, not realizing that life is made up of little things.”

Happiness is not something which will arrive someday. It’s not the time or size or price of the thing which can make us happy. It’s our philosophy which gives us happiness or deprives us of any pleasure. 

Actually, it’s children who can rejoice little things and little moments. Like Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960 said; ’Women gather together to wear silly hats, eat dainty food, and forget how unresponsive their husbands are.  Men gather to talk sports, eat heavy food, and forget how demanding their wives are.  Only where children gather is there any real chance of fun.

My daughter can feel like a winner from almost anything. She can get almost as much fun out of an expensive toy as she does out of finding a small green bead from under the bed. I sincerely desire that she remains my role model for this simple and vital lesson she has taught me. And hope I do not destroy her spirit as she moves on in life as we parents feel the moral pressure to present their child as best.